Saturday, September 14, 2019

The Fearless Vampire Fucker

The flail known as the Vampire Fucker* was made by the dwarf Lit when the Kingdom Under the Mountain still flourished and neither Man nor Dragon had come to despoil it. Whether vampires were known to the dwarves of old, the power came to the flail only later, or Lit had the power to prophesy is unclear. No dwarven songs seem to feature it, though some human scholars of their language have pointed to "maces" and similar devices found in their legendry that may be references to the Vampire Fucker.

It is known that it still had this name when the dwarf king in exile gifted it to Liudprand the Unsparing, the first hochmeister of the Sword Brothers to oversee their time in the Dark Country. Whether the king, whose name is not recorded, gave it willingly or was a captive in Schonberg (no the central fortress in Nunhead, one of the Seven Cities) is the subject of much debate.  It is clear that Liudprand, and sometimes his lieutenants, used the flail to "banish" a number of Varkolaks that were serving as quasi-deities to Bogdani tribesmen** and supposedly even some members of his own order who had been afflicted. However, the timeline of the Sword Brothers fall is often unclear, and these incidents may have been post-hoc rationalizations for massacres and internal paranoia. Despite its vampire slaying powers, it is still effective against the innocent.

The last references to the Vampire Fucker occur only in sources by the Sword Brothers themselves and contain the most depraved incident in the history of the weapon, if such tales are true.  It seems that the Witch of Averois, was grievously injured when a knight attempted to use the flail in a perverse act of sexual torture. Thereafter she had the reigning hochmeister seal the flail in a "museum" containing multiple relics seized on crusade in the Desert Lands. The vault which contained it has never been opened since.

A peculiarity concerning the weapon is the number of sources maintaining it is a "whip." All physical descriptions known note a heavy head at the end of a long chain. This strange nomenclature may be a reference to the flails ability to extend when the lifeforce of its wielder is at its height.

Vampire Fucker
Weapon (flail), very rare
You gain a +1 bonus to attacks and damage rolls made with this weapon.

If your hit points are at maximum (or temporary hit points above your maximum) the weapon has 10' reach. If your hit point maximum is lowered by an effect (such as the vampire's bite) this function still operates as long as your hit points are at or temporarily above this new maximum.

When you hit a vampire (as defined by the DM) with an attack using this weapon, the vampire takes an extra 2d6 radiant damage.

*Its name is translated from the rough language of the dwarves, whose runes clearly articulate this meaning.

**Bogdani is the ethnonym of the pagans of the Dark Country.  They are normally divided into White and Black Bogdani, though the distinction's meaning is often unclear to Realmishmen.

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